Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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