he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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