i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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