My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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