The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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