I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
