My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
