I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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