My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
