and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
