the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
