remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
