I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
