Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
