I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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