So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
