Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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