Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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