I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
