Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
