He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
