i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
