how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
