the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
