Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
