I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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