the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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