Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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