seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
