dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
