Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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