This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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