Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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