I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
