Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
If I die, sorry about rent.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
