not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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