I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
