My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
