I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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