ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
