Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
