I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
