before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
