I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
