Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
