the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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