Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Well I just put wine in my tea
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
