its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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