So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
