Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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