god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
