I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
