mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
