I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
